KEEN ON CARS   Never get keen on cars Don’t take your friends on holiday Never keep milk more than four days Never drink screw top wine Never talk down to waitresses Never trust men who cannot praise Shops that say ‘quality’ Sadly will rarely be These are the things I have to give you for certain   Never ever press your jeans Don’t say ‘bonjour’ in Portugal Or save a fortune you won’t spend Never cook fish too long Always regard suspiciously People with twenty two best friends Learn to play guitar Find where the Maldives are These are the only things that I know For certain   Should you fall in love? Should you stay or leave? I can’t help you with these things Should you fall in love? Should you still believe? I can’t help you   Never wear amusing ties Steer clear of all astrology Don’t give your kids outrageous names Don’t be afraid to cry Never be proud of doing well Just ‘cause you’re good at video games Know where the Maldives are Learn how to play guitar These are the only things that I know For certain   Music and Lyrics by TIM FIRTH